It was meant to be two simple months until July, and then I would be done. Two months of saving all my money, eating healthy, reading self-help books and generally just trying to "get better". The idea was that after those two months, I would arrive at my birthday, flush with cash, and buy a new motorcycle before riding off into the sunset etc etc.
Held myself to an extremely high standard and in retrospect, it was never going to go exactly as planned. I think I caught on as it got closer to July that, even though I had the funds, there were no motorcycles on offer. Nothing that fit the rough description of what I had been looking for.
Sounds picky, I know, but it paid off. I set my sights on one specific make and model, waited for someone to offer it up, and bought it for a good deal. Bought it in September instead of July, but those extra couple months let me save up a little bit more and helped me in the long run.
Okay, so - the bike is great, but everything else I've written below is just diary-like rambling. Some of it isn't positive, but it's not all negative either. Honestly I'm just hoping to get my thoughts out of my head and onto a page and chuck it out into the ether. Serves as an online diary for me. Part of me knows I should probably make this private, but the other part of me is 88% sure that no-one reads this so I'm safe in expressing my dumbass thoughts.
This is how excited I am about the bike- I actually got my friend Seb to take some proper photos of it. I almost never put photos up these days. Nowhere to put them since I deleted facebook, so I guess I'll put them here for now? I'll return back to facebook sometime, and when I do, I can put his photos to good use. They're wasted just sitting on a blog collecting dust.
Credit to Sebastian Vivian. He did a beautiful job, he's clearly got an eye for photography and his interest in using old film to capture his shots makes it even better.
Blogger just loves to format things terribly.
Here she is:
 | |
|
 |
| Named Valkyrie. |
-Motorbike ramblings
It's been about a month since I bought it, and there's been an understandable amount of problems that have surfaced upon riding. Dodgy starter, broken indicator, brake light permanently on, no manual or documentation readily available because it's some kind of home-market model imported from Japan ("one of a kind import" sounds really cool until you realize the only schematics you can find are all written in Japanese).
But, I faced every single problem and have come out on top. They keep coming one at a time, and I keep knocking them back. Fixed the starter, the indicator, the brake light, and although I have yet to learn Japanese, I've become good at comparing schematic images with their English counterparts.
Okay, honestly, I've had a lot of good luck with this bike. Not sure if it outweighs the bad luck I've had with it, but there's certainly been at least an equal amount to balance it out.
The bike's 40 years old, it's a miracle it even runs. The previous owner has been a legend and helped me out where he can, which he absolutely has no obligation to do. He's just genuinely a good person. Reminds me to strive to be better. Cheers, John Tate. Here's to you, and here's to good luck!
-Stumped creatively
I started hosting DnD for my sibling and their friends, which has been pretty fucken fun if I'm honest. It gives me something to do, and it's a good brain exercise. It's a lot of reading and preparation, which I'm surprisingly up for right now. I'm finding it hard to get inspired for any creative acts nowadays but this is a nice outlet.
Haven't been writing any poetry, not for months and months. I can't even remember the last time I wrote something of value. I honestly think it was before all this May stuff, when I began saving up for the bike.
It's like I lost my creativity. Kinda sucks. I think it's because I feel like there's nothing of note to write poetry about in my life right now- I've mostly just been existing, and existing is a pretty poor subject matter. No-one wants to hear not-quite-happy-not-quite-sad poems that are just a retelling of my life.
Gotta say, though. This year feels incredibly null. Pretty sure this whole year has been limbo, and feels like filler more than anything. Sure, I advanced a little, gained some cool friendships and a new motorcylce, but it almost feels like it's just backstory. Even as I'm living through it, it feels like I'm already mentally in 2020.
-Family events
Keep feeling anxious about upcoming family get-togethers. I've got one on tomorrow and I'll be expected to give the 30-second elevator pitch about What I'm Up To Now, which no-one really wants to hear and I don't want to say. You can't just come to these things and go "Yeah I've been working on myself and that's been pretty taxing" because they all want you to have some huge life advancements.
I don't care too much about the family event tomorrow, but there's this one on Boxing Day that I'm dreading. Pretty sure I pissed off that side of the family a couple years back, and now the 1 time a year I see them, it's glares all round. I'm clearly not wanted, but if you choose to not go to the event, then you're labelled as an attention-seeker. Lose-lose situation.
Haven't quite figured out what I'm going to do yet. I think the first step is to drive there myself and have an exit strategy. Going to test out that plan tomorrow as well. It'll be the first time in a while, seeing those family members without being extremely drunk to deal with it. Hey, at least I can leave whenever I want.
-Anxious as hell
Anxiety's been climbing over these five months and I think I figured out why: because some part of me knows that I'm actually getting out. I'm unlearning the bad behaviours and leaving them behind, which means I'm about to suddenly get a lot more responsibility.
I reckon my anxiety is stemming from this idea: for years, I didn't think I was getting out. I knew I could just fuck around and live terribly because I knew I was going to probably either kill myself or get killed by the shitty life I was living. I didn't need to plan more than 2 days ahead of myself at any given time, and now I do. Now I need to start planning, because I'm slowly gaining upward speed.
Don't exactly have a plan for dealing with this either. Maybe I can apply the same logic? "Hey, I can leave whenever I want" still works, kinda.
You got this. One step at a time. One little day at a time. That's how I planned to get through those two months- and it's landed me five months down the track instead, still here and still living.
-Misc
I'm now a groomsman in my friends' wedding next year. Honestly never thought of myself as someone in a bridal party, yet here we are. It's a sneak peak at some of that responsibility that comes hand-in-hand with Getting Out.
They're good people. Don't want to let them down. Won't let them down.
Thinking a little bit about instrumentality, but it's honestly taking a back seat compared to my other sources of anxiety. There's bigger things to be worried about.
Alright, I think I'm done here. A good little update of nothing particularly important. Nice to just get things out. Cathartic.
G'night.
