My last post was just over 4 years ago, back when my parents split. I consider those days to be the ones that I kinda woke up and became this mess of a man that I am today. Since then, I've become some sort of half-crazed drunkard that occasionally writes spoken word and rides a motorcycle. Well, used to ride a motorcycle. Here, have a couple pictures.
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| "okay joe in this one try looking like you're slightly surprised to see a motorbike before you. okay that's it perfect" |
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| "okay so now let's try something different: how about you just laugh at nothing. just a big ol' guffaw at nothing. perfect" |
Woah, how cool amiright? Except she died like, a month ago. Supposedly there's no part in it worth selling, but I have to try because I have no savings otherwise. Never even got around to naming her. Could sit here and feel sorry for myself, or:
it's as good a time as any to try and kickstart my life again. This'll be the second time I've tried. Time to Blitzkrieg this motherfucker, I say. I didn't do very well the first time, but that's okay. I became homeless for months, found a nice place where the neighbours literally murder each other on the street outside my window, and resigned myself to getting drunk or getting high most days. I haven't really achieved much these last four years apart from getting that bike and getting this room. This week I'm hoping to Blitzkrieg once more and be a little more gung-ho.
Strict diet of rice and hummus. No spending money whatsoever. Deleted Facebook. Giving up drinking. Exercising in the mornings. Self-help audiobooks and affirmations during the day.
Sounds pretty #hashtaggable, eh? Like I should be documenting this on Insta every day with #newyearnewme attached to it. Pretty wanky. But I gotta do something. It's grim, but in my head the constant thought is: it's either this or stop living. Cos what I've been doing for the past 4 years hasn't been living, it's been procrastinating. A half-life.
It's a little shitty, tho - to get to where I want to be, I have to basically become a hermit for a little bit. Disconnect from friends and focus on myself. Don't particularly want to do that, but I figure it's like the classic butterfly metaphor. Watch me go in as a drunken caterpillar and see me emerge as a 6ft demi-god with a flowing golden lion-like mane of hair. At least, I think that's how the metaphor goes.
I think I might start a new blog, make it public, put this as the first post too. I'll share it here in the comments. Maybe even update it infrequently, hey?
Well, I'm toasting this soda-water-and-diet-cordial drink to you. Cheers, you lovable little fuckers. I'll see you on the other side.
