REALLY! CONGRATZ! WOOOT!
*Hugs Kal and Octa* May you both continue to be wonderful, wonderful people :D
And, I wrote something.
I was so incredibly bored.
I realized I didn't have a present for Kal and Octa.
And dammit, I fell asleep at two in the morning before, right after a comment about the stools being swivel-ly. That was NOT how I wished to end the party. This was more like it...
Hellboy awoke on the pavement outside of a large building that seemed strangely familiar. He rubbed his eyes and squinted at the sky. It looked like it was early, maybe six o'clock, but he didn't even have his watch with him, so there was no way to be sure.
He stumbled to his feet and lifted his left hand. He was holding a small metal flask, and out of it was the hardened form of a yellow liquid that had dried long ago and become a shiny solid...
"Gold?" Hellboy said, his eyes bulging. "Was I really drinking...gold?"
He stared upwards at the building in front and shook his pounding head as he stumbled towards the huge double doors.
Pushing one open, he surveyed the empty foyer and shrugged. Nothing wrong with an empty foyer. Maybe he had simply gotten drunk and not caused any havoc whatsoever-
"Good Lord," he whispered when he reached the huge room that was beyond that.
It barely resembled the inside of a church, he thought. There were pews broken in half and in various places across the floor, one had even lodged itself into the wall and was hanging there precariously. Empty, orange tinted bottles rolled around, constantly clinking. One reached Hellboy's foot and he glanced at the label, 'Butterbeer'.
There were tables laden with food on his right, one with pies previously stored on it snapped in two and pie stains all over the roof above. The wedding cake had been sadly demolished, save a tiny pillar of cake that stood with the miniature purple figures of the bride and groom.
When he looked to his left he saw nothing; just a blank wall that strangely had no dust, nor food strewn all over it. He frowned for a moment and then the memories came rushing back and he jumped, slapping at his pockets frantically. He grabbed the flask with the Australium, not gold, pouring out of it and searched the pocket he had found it in. Eventually he pulled out the tiny cap and pressed the button on the inside of it, and the unscathed part of the left wall rotated neatly so that a cake and pie splattered bar could move into view.
He smiled, content, until he realized that there was a sleeping person on one of the bar stools, slumped over the table.
He slowly lowered his face to his palms. There really did need to be a little less drinking at the next party for everyone, he concluded as he vaulted over the table and landed in the bar itself. The girl who had fallen asleep held in her hand a pencil and had been scribbling on a notebook that was on the table in front of her. It read 'Orders- 1 Butterbeer, 2 Firewhiskys, 21 guns, four Flaming Absti' and then her writing petered out, obviously at the point where she had fallen asleep.
Hellboy sighed and poked her arm. She mumbled and ignored him, until he poked her again. "Wazzgoingon?!" she shouted, her head shooting up.
"Lizzy," Hellboy said calmly. "Your watch. I need it."
"Huh?" she spoke groggily and started to lower her head back down again. He stopped her by poking he arm a few times. "Watch, Lizzy! I need it, come on!"
She mumbled and flung out her arm at him. He grabbed the wrist and squinted at the tiny numbers.
Date: 30th of December
"Shit," Hellboy breathed. "CrappeiceofflamingmotherofGod- Lizzy! It's the 30th! We've been here an extra day!"
Lizzy mumbled again and Hellboy panicked. "Ineedadrink, yes, a drink would be good..." he said, turning around to the taps and selecting the Australium one. "Well, at least everything hasn't completely failed... Heh, it's not like 'The Hangover' where we have Mike Tyson's pet tiger or someth-"
There was a tiger curled up in the bar next to him.
He yelled and vaulted over the bar, poking Lizzy. "Wake up, wake up, wake up!"
The tiger started moving, and lazily yawned, lifting it's huge head to regard them both.
Hellboy froze, and Lizzy finally awoke, yawning as well. "Oh hey, there," she said, and patted the tiger's head. "Wazzup?"
The tiger yawned again, and then shifted its form and became a girl with wide eyes and pie-stained clothes. "Nothing much," March said, patting Hellboy on the shoulder and walking past him. He just turned grumpily as she kicked open a door and Thalia fell out of it, sound asleep.
"Why couldn't you have been...been a bunny this time, for God's sake," Hellboy told her as Mar crouched over Thalia and poked her cheek. The other girl remained asleep and she shrugged, dragging her to the bar.
"Bunny's aren't incredibly immune to shooting, though," she replied, nodding.
"Shooting?" he asked incredulously. "What the hell do you mean by...oh."
Lizzy was looking upwards innocently and Hellboy followed her gaze to see the entire ceiling covered in bullet holes.
Suddenly Mar jumped. "The bride! The groom!" she said, running around in circles, and Lizzy jumped too, but leaped over the bar and pulled out her rifle, the Pink, fear on her face.
"What?" Hellboy said. "What's wrong with the bride and groom? Are they ok?"
As if on cue, the huge skylights above them collapsed in a torrent of shattered glass and two purple-clad ninjas leapt down, one with marshmallow guns in hand, the other a Redvines cannon.
"Ha-ha-hah!" The first ninja rattled off in the best French accent she could manage. "You have fallen for our exquisite trap! And now, YOUMUSTDIE!"
She began firing at them and Hellboy instantly went down, a marshmallow between his eyes. Lizzy used the bar to give her cover and went to load her rifle- until she realized it was missing the bolt.
"How the hell did..." She stood up, furious, to see the second ninja standing there, the bolt hanging out of his mouth like some outrageous metal pipe. He grinned underneath his purple ski mask and fired the Redvines cannon, launching Lizzy through the air with such force that she smashed through half a dozen sugar-glass bottles and a fake plaster board someone had conveniently set up the night before.
March's eyes widened as both ninjas turned around and grinned at her. "Not the face!" she screamed and barrel-rolled away.
"Mar!" Hellboy said hoarsely, propping himself up on his elbows. "Mar...use... Use the Australium, Mar...use...use the Australium!"
Mar nodded at him and then dived behind the bar, Redvines and marshmallows shooting haphazardly all around her. She went straight to the gold-tinted tap marked 'A' and slurped from the nozzle for half a moment. It was just enough to give her the advantage.
She grinned crazily as it coursed through her body, the molten mineral giving her a funny feeling of invincibility, heightened senses, and a strange longing for lamingtons and running along the beach in her sandals.
She jumped back over just as the ninjas were reloading and took a swing that punched their weapons out of their hands. Her next swing they dodged, but the third one caught the slightly taller ninja under the chin and sent him crashing into the food table.
Mar turned to the other ninja as she screamed in her
fake French accent 'Meine Gott!' and pulled out a large, purple sword.
Mar kicked up Hellboy's fallen gun, put it over her knee, and snapped it in half, brandishing the barrels as she would two swords.
"Hey!" Hellboy said, sitting up. "You can't do that, this is MY story... Fix it or else!"
Mar just gave him a puzzled look and then turned to face the ninja, who pulled off her mask, grinning.
Mar gasped and Lizzy gave Hellboy a look. "Kinda predictable, man. You could have put a ninja octopus under that mask, but no, you just wanted to make the ninjas be the only two people you should have mentioned in the first place. Nice..."
Hellboy frowned at her, and she started floating.
"What? Hey--!" She bobbed up against the roof and crossed her arms. "You're really mature, you know that, right? Reaaaally mature..."
The ninja, ski mask drifting to the ground, laughed maniacally. "It is I! French the Purple Ninja!"
Mar was still shocked. "Kallista, how could you turn to that path!"
"It was easy! Now, quit talking and fight! The author is running out of witty things to say!"
Mar's face became set in determination and she charged, the gun barrels in each hand and glinting in the dim light.
Kallista winked at her husband behind her, who had also taken off his mask and was eating the last pillar of cake happily, and then ran at March, screaming her battle-cry and swinging her sword.
"The end," Hellboy said, standing up and walking out of the room and into the foyer, just as the weapons clashed.
He quickly hurried out of the building, pulled out his iPod and hit the 'Publish Post' button on the webpage he had up. Then everything started to fade away, never to be written about again...